I have had a bad couple of days pain-wise. Last week I came down another level of painkillers,
so that I would be taking the codeine only once a day before bed, and the rest
of the time carrying on with the diclofenac and paracetamol. My GP is a very hard person to get more painkillers
from, you have to be practically dying for her to agree to! She said it’s not good to carry on
with codeine for too long as you can get addicted. But I have also started doing more
physio exercises, so I have been in more and more pain. At first I was just pushing through the pain,
but it got to the point where I couldn’t do that, and I was really
struggling. There was pain up my side
and all down my leg for most of Monday, to the point where I was crying in the
evening because I was so fed up.
I had a night of
discomfort and barely any sleep, and I didn't know what to do because I had wanted to go out the next day with a friend, but had to get up early for a hydrotherapy appointment in the morning. I just wanted to get out for the day, being in the house all the time is driving me crazy, but in the end I couldn't, it would have been too much.
I have never had hydrotherapy before so I had no idea what
to expect, and was a little bit unsure of myself (something which is not that
common in me!) The pool was warm, just
like being in a nice big bath! There was
only one other woman there and the physio, and she gave us ecercises to do
individually. She had me doing some
walking forwards and then backwards, which is possible in the water because you
are weightless. There was other basic
stuff too, like marching on the spot and side-stepping, all to work the
muscles. It felt okay but she said it
would be a bit achy afterwards, and she didn’t do too much as I had told her
about the pain I had been in.
I went home and slept and chilled in bed for most of the
day. It was great, I felt so much better
for it. However, this evening I have managed
to do something to the knee of my good leg, twisted it or something, so I could
barely walk or stand up! It’s so
horrible and scary when this kind of thing happens, I don’t think I will ever
get used to it. All of a sudden
everything is put out, and I have to calm myself down and think of a ‘game plan.’ For example, how to get from one place to
another in the house so that I can settle down and rest. How to get things that I need around me so
that everything is to hand. How to get
meals and drinks, all these kinds of things.
All of a sudden I am dependant on others and unable to do even simple
things. I am so grateful to friends for being there for me and helping practically with so much, but
sometimes, people just can’t be there all the time, as they have other things going on. Or someone can help but it’s a person I feel
awkward with being thrown into that kind of helplessness. The identity shift from able-bodied to
disabled still gets me, especially in a situation like tonight, where it is so
quick.
I plan to call my GP in the morning to get my painkillers
sorted out, as all this is pointless if I can’t do my physio because I’m in too
much pain. I really hope she agrees to
let me have more. I might also call my
physio about the knee thing.
I hate this, I hate it all!
I want to be thankful for having this surgery but at the moment it just
feels like such a long haul. My body
feels so broken, there seems to be so many problems with different things. I know I can work through stuff with physio
and things, but it feels like so much and like I’ll never get there. I feel overwhelmed.
